Jeffrito's Simplified and Painless Spanish Lessons

Payback

jeffrito — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 02:19:18 +0000

When I last wrote I was preparing to travel to Mexico and extract revenge. My plan is a simple one: I will insult the mustaches of Mexico’s legislators until that country issues an apology. Their citizens come over here, they take our jobs, and then they make fun of Carl Wimmer’s mustache. As the saying goes, paybacks are a bitch. I am going to sneak into Mexico, take their jobs, and insult the mustaches of their leaders. But first, I need some good mustache insults. Here is one I came up with:

Su bigote se parece a un gato muerto.

Your mustache looks like a dead cat! Dead cats are no laughing matter, I know, but my use of feline fatality underscores the seriousness of my mission! Who’s with me?

Heard at the park

jeffrito — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 02:50:58 +0000

I was at the park today with mis perros, enjoying some of that pre-Fourth of July sun. I was chillaxing under a tree not far from a picnic table surround by Spanish-speaking folks. I couldn’t help but overhear their conversations and I was floored when I heard one say with a guffaw, “Vinimos aquí y nos llevó a sus trabajos!” They laughed like no mañana. To me, it was no laughing matter! For those of you who don’t know, he said, “we came here and we took their jobs!” Then I heard another say, “Mi abuela tiene un bigote mejor que Carl Wimmer!” They all roared but I was furious. He said that his grandmother has a better mustache than Carl Wimmer. For those of you not from Utah, Carl Wimmer is a legislator, politician, and baby mustache incubator who helps Utah lead the good fight against los inmigrantes ilegales, which these rascals obviously were.

We don’t go to Mexico and take their jobs and make fun of the facial hair of their legislators. Or do we? Paybacks are a bitch, I say. Today I resolve to go to Mexico and take one of their jobs. Stay tuned as I illegally enter Mexico and take one of their jobs. This blog is going on the road.

Some new shit to learn

jeffrito — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 05:13:56 +0000

Buenas dias, class. I know it’s been ages since I’ve posted. In my defense, I’ve been busy. Besides, the goal of this blog was to learn Spanish, and I’m happy to report that I did. I finished learning Spanish last September. I knew Spanish like the back of my mano. There’s no more reason to continue posting to a learn Spanish blog once you’ve learned it, right? Wrong! Never, ever assume that you’ve learned Spanish because as soon as you do, someone will say something you don’t understand and you’ll realize you’ve got more learning to do. This goes for any language, really, even English which I grew up speaking. Just as soon as you learn a language–bam! Someone will invent a new word and you have some new crap to learn! In Spanish you might say, “Tengo algo de mierda nuevo que aprender.” I have some new shit to learn.

I’ve recently learned an important lesson about learning languages, my friends. Whether you’re learning English, Spanish, Tibetan or Chinese, there’s always some new shit to learn. Tune in tomorrow as we try to re-learn Spanish.

The secret to learning a foreign language

jeffrito — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 23:48:32 +0000

Are you frustrated because you have been trying to learn Spanish for several months now and the best you can do is say como está to the streetside taco vendor? Join the club! I was reading a website that said the secret to learn a foreign language, the revolutionary approach, is to learn like a child learns. Most of you reading this blog in English started learning that language shortly after you emerged from the birth canal. From the very first mmoments of your life you were surrounded by adults waving fingers in your face while goo-ing and gah-ing. This was your first introduction to spoken language and though you didn’t realize it your brain was quietly absorbing every sound. You didn’t have to buy books and cd’s or visit websites to learn to speak, you simply absorbed speech from those around you. And that, mis amigos, is the secret to my revolutionary new language course.

The first step is to surround yourself with adults who will make baby talk in Spanish. These people don’t need to actually speak Spanish but should be willing to wave a rattle in your face and say stuff like “”Que linda“”, or “”Peak-a-boo”" or whatever the Spanish equivalent is. Try that for this week. Since we are all adults and our learning pace is accelerated, next week we’ll move right on to saying mamá and papá. Give it a try and check back next week for lesson 2!

¡Tenga cuidado!

jeffrito — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 22:00:39 +0000

Be careful! That’s today’s phrase. It’s a short one, but very good advice. It has been some time since I wrote a phrase of the day and I apologize for that. I have been livin’ the vida loca as Ricky Martin would say, and just have not had time to write a phrase of the day. I should add that out of the tens of thousands of loyal followers to this blog not one wrote to ask where I have been. ¡Que chistoso!

I felt inspired to write today because of an article I read in the local newspaper, the Salt Lake Tribune. Apparently, a woman hired a woman faith healer to spiritually clean her house, but the healer turned out to be a transvestite who molested her young boys. (http://www.sltrib.com/ci_14849399?IADID=Search-www.sltrib.com-www.sltrib.com ) The man was posing as a Mayan priestess.

If you are like me you are stunned. How, in this day and age, can you not trust a Mayan priestess?! I know Catholic priests have taken their lumps lately but the media has been silent on the threat posted by Mayan priestesses. It saddens me to think that we’ve reached a point in our society where you hire a priestess to voodoo clean your house and she turns out to be a he who molests innocent children. I’ll bet he didn’t even spiritually clean the house, either.

So today’s phrase is tenga cuidado. Be careful. If you need to get your house voodoo-cleaned, only hire a professional Mayan priestess and by all means, get references.

What do you say when something sucks?

jeffrito — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 05:00:58 +0000

Awhile ago we learned how to say how you like something. For example, if you want to tell someone you like reading Jeffrito’s blog you would say:

Me gusta leer el blog de Jeffrito. I like to read Jeffrito’s blog.
The fact is, many, many people enjoy reading this blog and it is loyal readers such as yourself, reading now, who have made this the most popular English language blog about Spanish in the Rose Park area (north of 1000 N) of Salt lake City. Thanks you for your support!

I’m not so vain to think there are not those who dislike reading this blog, or even a few who actively hate it. We all have our likes, dislikes and hates, and that is what makes the world such an exciting place to live in. Since we have learned how to say we like something in Spanish, it is time to learn how to say we don’t like something. Suppose someone comes up to you on the street and asks,

Te gusta la nueva canción de Jay-Z. Do you like Jay-Z’s new song?

You could reply,

No me gusta la música rap. I don’t like rap music.

This is a mild way of saying you don’t like something. It get’s the message across but it’s pretty plain. You are anything but plain, since you’re reading this blog. You need something with a little more flair. What you need is something a little stronger. To do this you could say,

Me choca la música rap.

This is another, stronger way of expressing dislike. It could cause a fight if used improperly so be careful, unless you like to fight. If you use this phrase you should be prepared to say, “I’ll kick your ass” which a phrase we will cover in depth in a future lesson.

You can also say odio la musica rap, which I understand to be less in-your-face than me choca. You express your dislike but will likely not cause any fights. What fun is that?

Here is a handy phrase

jeffrito — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 03:42:40 +0000

It has been so long since I’ve written a blog post that questions about me are swirling around the blogosphere.

¿Dónde está Jeffrito? Where is Jeffrito?

¿Está muerto? No, I’m not dead.

¿Se fugó con una mujer a Perú? No I did not run off with a woman to Peru.

He oído que está trabajando en una fábrica de pantalones en Buenos Aires. No, I am not working in a pants factory in Buenos Aires.

I have been busy, that’s all I’m going to say. I’ m your instructional Spanish blog writer, not your kid so get off my back and let’s learn some Spanish. Okay? Okay!

Today’s phrase is inspired by an actual event that happened to me last week. One evening after dark the doorbell rang. At the door was a woman, mid-60′s or so. She said she was a neighbor from around the corner and needed to go to Heber to pick up her husband, but he had her debit card. She needed cash. Now I’ve heard of neighbors stopping by to borrow a stick of butter or a cup of sugar, but cash?

“Hi I’m your neighbor. I was baking a cake and noticed I’m fresh out of cash. Can I borrow a $20?”

The woman spun a realistic story and she didn’t look like a deadbeat so I gave her $10 and she swore she’d be back later to repay me. Now I knew when that $10 left the house there was a slight chance of it ever coming back. For my friend Rosa the issue was not that I gave the money but that I opened my door to a stranger after dark. And so now after the sun goes down I won’t be opening the door no matter how loudly the dogs bark. Not only that, but I’ve learned a new phrase to use for the occasions when the doorbell does ring, so door to door panhandlers, missionaries and trick or treaters beware. I’ve learned it in English and Spanish since I live in a bilingual neighborhood. In Spanish the phrase is,

Tengo una pistola y sé cómo usarlo.

In English, I have a gun and I know how to use it. Between that and my two large perros, I should never have to worry about the doorbell again!

Don’t buy Rosetta Stone

jeffrito — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 16:53:56 +0000

I know, it’s been a few days since I’ve posted a new Spanish lesson and you are getting worried. You’re thinking, if Jeffrito is not going to be posting new Spanish phrases I might as well go out and buy Rosetta Stone. So I would first like to apologize, and second, launch into a comparison of learning Spanish from this blog or Rosetta Stone software.

1. Rosetta Stone costs several hundred dollars. Jeffrito’s blog is free.

2. Rosetta teaches you a bunch of words you’ll never, ever, use. Jeffrito only teaches you words and phrases you’ll use often.

3. Rosetta Stone is award winning software. Jeffrito’s blog is not award winning software. It’s a blog. This is like comparing manzanas y anaranjados.

Now, on to the phrase of the day. Suppose a well-meaning friend who knows you are trying to learn Spanish by reading this blog says to you, “I heard you can’t learn to speak Spanish by reading Jeffrito’s blog.”

What do you say? You should immediately and forcefully reply,

El que te lo dijo es un mentiroso. Whoever told you that is a liar.

This accomplishes two things. First, you establish that you indeed can speak Spanish and in so doing have proven your statement. Whoever said that is a liar, a damned liar at that.

El que te lo dijo es un mentiroso is the phrase of the day. Learn it, you will find yourself using it frequently.

Whoever told you that is a liar.

That’s life

jeffrito — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 05:12:19 +0000

What do you say in Spanish when life takes a giant dump on you? What do you say in English? Did you ever have one of those days that was so unspeakably wrong, so unbelievably and fundamentally unfair that it exceeded your capacity for anger? Anger can be a healthy thing, a blowing off of steam, an outlet. But sometimes circumstances overwhelm your anger circuit and all you can do is shake your head and say, “that’s life.” Life isn’t fair. I think that’s my main argument with life, and I can’t get over it. It’s not fair. I have a heightened sense of fairness. When I break apart a salchicha for my perros I strive for a 1/3 to 2/3 break. Bailey gets 2/3 becase she’s significantly larger than Quila. It’s fair that Bailey gets more. It is right. King Solomon is welcome in my kitchen any day and I’d like to see if he could do a better job! I try so hard to be fair but life doesn’t. Life isn’t.

I always feed Bailey first because she is the senior dog. That’s fair. Someone has to be fed first and rank has it’s privileges. Some day Quila will be the senior dog and she’ll be fed first. It’s fair. I should add that Bailey, being so much bigger, would snarl and growl if Quila tried to belly up to the food bowl first. That’s not fair, it’s the law of the jungle, survival of the fittest. That’s life.

Suppose I had a dog named Roofus. Now further suppose Roofus doesn’t like being fed second. She thinks it’s unfair. She marches down to Dog Resources and files a complaint. “My master is discriminating against me because of my breed. Oh, and my religion. And my gender. He gives everything to the German Shepherd and leaves me with kibbles and bits. It’s not fair.”

Dog Resources does an investigation. They determine there is no discrimination but Roofus isn’t satisfied. She enhances her lies and takes them to the Dog Anti-discrimination Divison, and brings a lawyer. Now people stand up and pay attention to what she says, even though it’s still bizarre. Real money is at stake.

The State, in its wisdom, puts someone else in charge of Roofus and shuffles me off to a corner where I can walk poodles. Roofus gets a new master but she’s never happy. She has no capacity for happiness.

Sometimes life throws you curveballs. The French say, C’est La vie. In Spanish the equivalent is, Así es la vida. In English, That’s Life.

The list so far…

jeffrito — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 02:14:59 +0000

Here in all it’s glory is a list of phrases of the day since the day I started.

5/13/09

Yo lo puedo hacer. I can do it.

5/14/09

Necesito sacarle copia. I need to make a copy.

5/18/09

Si no haces un buen trabajo estarás encerrado en este cuarto, con las cucarachas, por dos semanas, sin comida ni agua. If you don’t do a good job you will be locked in this room with the cockroaches for two weeks without food or water.

5/19/09

Yo creo que apenas va a empezar. I think something is about to happen.

5/20/09

Què chistoso! How funny!

5/21/09

No tengo tiempo. I don’t have the time.

5/26/09

Puedo hacerte una pregunta? Can I ask you a question?

5/27/09

Lo siento. Usted marcó el número incorrecto. I’m sorry. You dialed a wrong number.

5/28/09

No funciona la computadora. The computer is not working.

No funciona el ratón. The mouse is not working.

6/8/09

Me parece una buena idea. I think it’s a good idea.

6/9/09

Estas muy equivocado! You are very mistaken.

6/10/09

He estado muy ocupado. I have been very busy.

6/11/09

No lo puedo creer. I don’t believe it.

6/15/09

Estoy aqui de negocios. I am here on business.

6/16/09

Me voy a volver loco. I am going to go crazy.

6/17/09

Ha escuchado usted la frase del dia? Have you heard the phrase of the day?

6/18/09

Me tengo que ir. I have to get going.

6/22/09

Voy a prepararme un trage. I’m going to make myself a drink.

6/23/09

¿Qué carajo está pasando hoy acá? What the heck is going on around here today?

6/24/09

Es gracioso que digas eso. It’s funny you should say that.

6/30/09

Estoy un poco apurado. I’m in a bit of a hurry.

7/1/09

¿Cómo dirías esto en espanõl? How would you say that in Spanish?

7/2/09

Yo le ayudaré a comprar su vodka. I will help you buy your vodka.

7/6/09 ¿Te acuerdas cómo conseguí este tatuaje? Do you remember how I got this tattoo?

7/7/09 Los perros que quieran salchichas vengan a la cocina. Dogs who want hotdogs come to the kitchen.

7/8/09 Me gusta la comida en la Cocina de Carlos. I like the food in Carlos’s Kitchen.

7/13/09 Tenga cuidado. Este plato esta caliente. Be careful. This plate is hot.

7/20/09 Hoy es más caliente que el infierno. Today is hotter than hell.

7/23/09 ¿Por qué no te callas? Why don’t you shut up?

(Said by King Juan Carlos I of Spain to Hugo Chávez, President of Venezuela, at the 2007 Ibero-American Summit in Santiago, Chile when Chávez was interrupting the Spanish Prime Minister’s speech)

7/27/09 No seas tonto. Don’t be silly.

7/28/09 ¿Le gusta su trabajo? Do you like your work?

7/29/09 ¿Te encargas del la oficina? Are you in charge of the office?

8/03/09 El perro es el mejor amigo del hombre. A dog is man’s best friend.

8/04/09 Hay alguna orden di arresto en su contra? Are there any warrants for your arrest?

8/05/09 Estoy un poco cargado. I am a bit loaded.

8/06/09 No estoy de humor para tonterías. I’m not in the mood for nonsense.

8/10/09 Hay damasiado polvo aquí adentro. There is too much dust around here.

8/12/09 ¿Cuál es su signo? Soy _______ (Aries, Tauro, Géminis, Leo, Virgo, Cáncer, Libra, Escorpio, Sagitario, Capricornio, Acuario, Piscis) What is your sign? I am a ________ .

8/13/09 ¿Puedes creer que perdimos a México en el fútbol? Can you relieve we lost to Mexico in soccer?

8/17/09 ¿Qué estás haciendo? What are you doing?

8/19/09 ¿Qué pasa con eso? What’s up with that?

8/20/09 ¡Qué lio! What a mess!

8/24/09 Este collar es muy hermoso. This necklace is very beautiful.

8/25/09 ¿Has visto los niños caminan a la escuela en sus zapatos nuevos? Have you seen the children walking to school in their new shoes?

8/26/09 Me choco la música rap. I hate rap music.

8/31/09 Qué triste que el verano está punto de terminar. How sad that summer is almost over.

9/1/09 Estaba bromeando. I was kidding.

9/2/09 ¿Sabes que mi hermano está en la fuerza aerea? Do you know my brother is in the Air Force?

9/3/09 Los Utes son el major equipo de fútbol Americano que nunca. The Utes are the best football team ever.

9/9/09 Detesto cuando hago esto. I hate when I do that.

9/10/09 ¿Estás listo para un fin de semana? Are you ready for a weekend?

9/16/09 No me molesta cuando estoy comiendo. Don’t bother me while I am eating.

9/17/09 ¿ Podría darme una nota ? Could you give me a (sticky) note?